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Madoff’s Life Better in Prison than Ever Before, Bernie’s Tell All

"When I first came to prison, I was really sad. I was sad that I got caught and sad that I had to give up the great life I was leaving behind. Hell, I didn't care about the multi-millionaires I'd scammed, they were fine. I worried about my Ruth."

"Bernie and I tried to kill ourselves on Christmas eve, just because we knew we were soon going to be separated and, since we'd been together for 50 years, we dreaded even the thought of being separated."

"We were really mourning the loss of our high life. Yes, we stole billions of dollars of other people's money, but hell, they didn't know. For the most part, they were having a pretty good life, too. I was not sorry for them. I was sorry for us. Damn, there was nothing worse than being publicly disgraced...and giving up these things..."

"Hell, from the first dollar I stole, I bought us a beach house in the Hamptons and as I stole more money, I bought us the $50 million dollar beach house in Palm Beach. We loved our beach life."

"...and I don't need to tell you that people kissed our asses, no matter where we went. They treated us like we were royalty, for God's sake."

"So, ya, I guess we could say we tried to kill ourselves for about a minute, but that's mostly because we were...I don't know how else to say it...".

"So then I got here and, my whole life changed for the better".

"Ruth was getting beat up pretty bad and she wasn't taking it very well. The public scrutiny was awful and took it's toll on her".

"Meantime, I'm having a gay old time of it. No, when I say my life changed for the better, I'm not kidding. Let's just say, I was being beaten up pretty badly, too. I mean, ever wonder how they keep the prison population calm? I'll give you a hint...it's not the food"

"We have circle jerks, one-on-ones & squeal-like-a-pig parties and sometimes they go on all night"

"But, here's the good thing, we don't have to work and we have all this fun. We can watch tv, we can go to school, we can go work out in the gym, but when the lights go out...well, that's why I've had a smile on my face ever since I got here."

"Why you effing snitch. Why are you outing us like that? You're an effing thief and a snitch. Yous not esposed to be telling everyone like it is. I'm gonna beat the effing shit out of yous when I get there & I'm gonna bang you in the ass until you scream like a girly-girl! You bastard."

"Listen, Joey. I'm not telling people something they don't already know. You know, Joey...everyone in the family's writing their tell-all book about how their lives are hell and how everyone should feel sorry for them, and their gonna make millions of dollars. I just thought I'd do my own 'Tell-All', hell everybody knows all this stuff about how boys will be boys. It isn't a secret, but here's something I haven't told anyone, and it's my favorite thing to do.

"...I get really excited when I get to put on my suit because sometimes I put it on and we play 'Let's rape the rich Wall Street Guy'. That's my favorite. I just wish we could play this one every day. Then it would be just like the old days when we'd play that game at my men's club...

Your friend,

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