"I'm so excited because today I'm finally going to be free again. I was hoping my marriage to Kris was going to make all my dreams come true, but I wasn't expecting to have to put up with all his drama and I sure as heck wasn't going to be holed up in some small town in Minnesota. I wouldn't do that for anyone, not even a husband."
"I've been married to that prima donna for far too long. I didn't think I was getting a blow-up doll when I got married, but that girl's got nothin' upstairs. I mean nothin'. She's as empty as a hot-air balloon and she just does what mommy tells her to do."
"Having Kris as a short-term husband was so much more than I could take. My entire family hated him. He just wouldn't do anything we needed him to do and he didn't care that we'd worked so hard to build our brand. My mom especially hated that he was such a prima donna and just wouldn't cooperate at all"
"Having Kris in the family was like having an obstinate child and trying to rein him in was like pulling teeth. He refused to do anything we asked him. He wasn't even willing to work it for the paparazzi, something that Kim does really well"
"I tried to tell Kris early on that he needed to just roll over and be a pussy if he wanted to live the good life, but he wouldn't hear any of it."
"Well, you all know what I told Kris. I told him to keep a little sumpon on the side, this way he could just cow-tow to the bitches and still keep he's dick"
"Every man knows, Kris, that you let your wife pussy-whip you and then you keep another one on the side. That's what makes you tolerate the hell. These women can keep your nuts pretty tightly wound"
"My feelings were really hurt. I was hoping Kris would like me. I like really big basketball players, but I heard Kris really wasn't all that...I mean, for his size!"
"Well, I never really wanted to talk about Kris' size because I wouldn't want to humiliate him, but let's just say, next time I'm going for a black basketball player...everything they say about them is true!"
"Let's just say I thought it would be best if I filed for divorce today before these pictures got out to the press because I'm releasing them right away"
"So there, Kris Humphries. I wanted a real man for a husband, one who spanks me and gets rough with me. Yes, be a pussy for my mom, but not in the bedroom. I'm so done with you."
"What did I tell you, bro?"
"Yep, it really pays to be a pussy-whipped."
"Oh, hell, yes. We love it"