Meet the New Jersey Characters

The Real Housewives of New Jersey bring a whole new meaning to the word “class”, don’t they?  Sadly, it seems all of them think that money can buy it, but they are oh-so sadly mistaken.  In fact, if we’ve learned anything from this particular franchise, it would be to run away from the nouveau riche as quickly as you can find an exit door.  These girls may have money, but they certainly don’t know how to behave.  In fact, we couldn’t invite any of them to a dinner party without worrying ourselves sick…well, we would certainly invite Jacqueline & Chris (they’re quite classy), but not a single other pair of them.

Meet the cast of characters.

 

Uh oh. When we see this picture in the parody, it means the insults are gonna fly. It usually means telling someone they're 1/16th Italian...which is apparently the worst thing you can do. We like to say that we love the food at Olive Garden and that it tastes just like Teresa's. This really gets her goat. Oh what fun!

 

This is Teresa Guidice and she is one of the biggest narcissists in the entire history of the Real Housewives, falling just underneath Jill Zarin from the New York cast of characters. That's why we actually put her first. She'd like that. She's an overspender and strapped her family with enormous debt in an effort to out-do her sister-in-law, Melissa Gorga, with whom she is extremely competitive and jealous. This outrageous narcissism overshadows anything she's ever actually accomplished, making her real accomplishments unrecognizeable. Nobody will ever do anything better than Teresa...and, unless you agree, Lord knows what your future will be.

Although the Guidices want us to believe they made their lost fortune through the flipping of real estate, Teresa is actually known for flipping tables, bar-room brawls and going from zero to 60 in less time than you can say "holy shit". This woman is insane and everyone in the room quickly understands when we say..."Oh, they're from New Jersey, eh hemm"... When you see this picture pop up in a parody, somebody's gonna lose some air in their boobs because it's going to get physical. And real fast.

Don't be fooled by Melissa Gorga's apparent sweetness. More than anything, she just loves watching Teresa's financial ruin and Tre's jealousy of her. She wants to be a rock-star-mama, and that's ok, because it's been her goal for a long time. She's a pretty girl, but we haven't yet seen the real Melissa show up. Give it time. She'll soon be on her way. Right now, she's still on her best behaviour.

Here Melissa is saying "don't call me a gold-digger" and she's mad. This happens whenever her arch enemy, Tre, tries to get her goat, which she does often. Obviously the gold-digger comment is a hot button with Melissa, but she is one, let's not forget. When we see her in the Parody, she's showing us her gold-digging successes, one gold Rolex watch at a time. You go, girl.

Meet Kathy Walkile. Sweet, loving mom and much-adored wife. She's a kept woman and she likes it. It seems whenever she opens her mouth she's pissing Tre off and we like to see Tre go off on her. She's harmless, although her cooking's killer. What, no cookbook deal?

Hahaha. This is Caroline Manzo, before all her celebrity plastic surgery and when she still had her chubby on. She's tried to reposition herself as the voice of reason, but she's really the voice of "play it to the camera". There's no reason, here...just a very, very good mask for a very calculating person. She's known as the matriarch of "the family". Wink. Wink.

Here's Caroline's game mask (and after her celeb plastic surgery) and you'll see her in the Parody when she's manipulating someone for her own camera plays. But truly, here's what she's all about...winning...at all costs and at the expense of anyone who gets in her way. We like her, because we like clever people. Sometimes.

This is Joey Gorga. You'll see him in the Parody when we need some comic relief or when things get too heavy. We'd show his ass here, but we want to keep the site clean. You understand. (We love when we see a man doing this).

Can anyone say "Yous all are stupid" better than this guy? Joe Guidice is the picture of New Jersey brainiac in action. You'll see him in the Parody when they're all being very New Jersey-ish and when there's any hint of the La Cosa Nostra influence, like the wads of cash that come out of the pocket from time-to-time, if you catch our drift.

No, Caroline, here's the real voice of reason, Jacqueline Laurita. She was smart enough to leave the franchise when the going got tough, but she'll be a constant presence in the parody. Whenever Jacqueline wants to say something to the public, she'll be speaking through the Parody (we're friends) because right now she only has her twitter voice. Bring it on, Jacq! We want to hear all the real juice...about Juicy & his whore & Tre and her next bankruptcy ploy to defraud their creditors, 'cause we know she won't pay.

Gone, but not forgotten, Danielle Staub will show up in the Parody when someone needs their head cut off. She knows real criminals and they know how to handle things the right way, eh hmm.

Pretty as all get-out, Dina Manzo will show up in the Parody as things relate to Caroline's uglier side, which Caroline is very good at hiding. Someone's gotta out her. Dina won't say a bad word about her sister...they're "family", but just seeing her in the Parody will remind you that Caroline's manipulating someone or putting some "family" spin on something.

This is Bravo Andy when he's pretending to care, which he does often in WWHL. See the slight smile on his face? You'll find the real Bravo Andy below.

Yes, he'll rear his ugly head when he's loving all the Bravo- induced drama, hoping that no one will notice him. He's the real Drama Queen here because he just loves, loves, loves all the cat-fighting and would love to see all the women pull their hair out or kill each other. Oh, Andy...(said in a disapproving voice)

This is Lady Brooks, the snarky blogger and the creator of the Lady Brooks Parody. She likes to comment on all these characters. She likes the people, just isn't crazy about some of the things they do. That's okay...they don't always like what she does, either. Can you blame them? Chi-chi-chi.

By the way, when you see this rather dark character in the parody, it means we've consulted her to predict an outcome, and it's usually, uh, not so good. Everything is quite drama-fied when she speaks. We think she's hysterical. We love her act.

Now that you know everyone’s take on things, we’ll be able to start our snarky Parodies.  From time-to-time we may see different characters come into the mix and we’ll introduce them as they come, just don’t be fooled because one of the characters could be wearing a different mask…they’re all phonies, you know, and, yes, we think they’re all mafia (aren’t all Italians?…kidding).  Things are quite different in the world of parody.  Someone thought they saw NeNe Leakes lunching with Danielle (I’m already seeing Bravo Andy’s head peeping over the top!  Lord help me.)

Get ready for some fun.

Your friend,

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